Most days all I can think about is food, my weight, how “big” I look and calories. Often calorie amounts are constantly in my head, like a constant reminder on your phone alerting you how much you’ve eaten or could eat in a day. If I don’t have an estimate of how much i’ve consumed I fear that i’m going to become fat and look and feel more disgusting.
Obeying the eating disorder thoughts brings more anxiety, worry and fixation. I day dream about glorious food that’s delicious but also filled with calories. I wish I could eat it all, I wish my brain would let me. I wish I could eat it, enjoy it and most of all not compensate somehow afterwards.
I worry about my body, especially when my heart feels funny, when I feel dizzy and weak and when my heart races and drops beats. I know what anorexia does to me is affecting me more and more physically and mentally.
I know I could miss out on life’s opportunities and even enjoyment for that matter, if I am not well enough to engage in regular life. I’m always feeling either dizzy, weak , anxious or exhausted. Exhausted from my eating disorder – the exhaustion it causes me physically and mentally.
I’ve tried to recover, twice..and my big fears always come along due to extreme hunger and “over eating” even though in reality my body needs calories. When I self recovered and even when I was recently in hospital, I felt like I was eating until I felt sick, too full – my abdomen swollen and “tight” feeling. My body is not used to food and being fed means my body freaks out.
At times when I would wake up in the morning and I could still feel food full up in my stomach and almost sitting in the back of my throat. I’d be furious at myself for either not getting rid of it via purging or for the eating at all.
A few days of allowing myself to eat whatever I want lead to extreme hunger, something I wasn’t used to after not eating properly in some time. My brain and taste buds would suddenly remember sweets, chips, chocolate and cheese. The hunger I ignored for so long would arrive and would grow larger by day.
I fear eating properly, gaining weight, feeling fatter than I already do. I fear becoming a binge eater. I feel like I’m forced into this pro-recovery mindset when I’m the complete opposite.
I must pretend to be fine, I mustn’t let people down by falling apart. I tell no one.
This is my my life.