This month, hospital had become my home and I regret saying this but it made me feel safe. I feel humiliated that everyone knew that I was in hospital and why. I was starting to get comfortable with living away, protected from the real world.
This week in particular, I felt as though it was foreign when I went to the supermarket and clothing shops. I was used to spending almost 2 weeks with doctors, nurses, family and 4 walls.
While other people my age go out on a Friday night, I feel immense guilt about allowing myself a 40 calorie hot chocolate.
People read my blog and follow my instagram because I’m anorexic and my whole accounts centre around my eating disorder.
Everything triggers me, food is still scary. How am I meant to get better? I don’t know who I am without anorexia. I don’t even know if it’s possible to be my old self again, who I was over 3 years ago. Will I ever wake up and be glad I’m here? Will I ever enjoy pizza again? Will I ever go out at night again and enjoy myself?
Who will I be without my eating disorder? I’m scared of what the future has in store for me.