“I’m fat”

“I’m fat” is a phrase that’s constantly etched in my mind and  that I vocalise countless times a day but what am I on about? Fat is not a feeling and in reality I am underweight.

What am I really on about when I say I feel fat? I mean I can ‘feel’ it, I get the physical sensation of calories growing on me, it’s at it’s worse when I drink a cup of tea with milk in it..it gets to the point I can feel my skin tingling.

I try and pinch what I regard as “fat” but I’m told it’s just skin that’s hanging off me  and I can see I’m fat in the mirror and in photos I’ve taken but in reality it is not possible for me to feel fat.

My world right now with my eating disorder is turbulent and puzzling. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not or who or what to believe with regards to my weight.

I can look in the mirror and see my disorder in the rare moment but just hours later I can see the flabby me looking back at me. I feel like i’m stuck in a funhouse where all the mirrors are stretched and exaggerated. I don’t know the truth of what I look like, it’s very distorted, disordered and very terrifying.

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