Feeling mixed emotions

All this talk of recovery and treatment is so terrifying. I’m not at all ready to better, let alone try to be. I’m attached to the eating disorder almost as much as it’s attached to me. I’m attached to being a low weight, to avoiding food…control control control. Then there’s the other side to this coin, I do want to live a good life and have a functioning body. I want to be able to enjoy life again but I know to achieve that I have to do what I can’t bear to handle at the moment: eat and gain weight.

I’m used to feeling weak, dizzy and awful. I  am now accustomed to the shaky and fragile body I’m in. The body that makes it difficult to shower or stand for too long. I won’t say I like it but I’m used to it. The thought of gaining weight and getting my period back utterly frightens me. I wish I could stay this low weight with no complications. I wish I never had to eat. I shouldn’t want that but I do and maybe that’s what this disorder does and wants, I’m not sure. I just know that I’m terrified and really out of my depth.

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