Relapse

My Eating disorder is taking control over my life again. Foods I was fine with are now scary. It even ruined my birthday this year alongside my anxiety, I didn’t even have a slice of my birthday cake or my birthday dinner (Pizza) which is very upsetting.

I was someone who never thought they’d end up with an eating disorder, especially one as an adult.

I’m someone who had difficulty eating as a child due to my health conditions and I cannot help but feel guilty that at 23, I skip meals and lie about what I’ve eaten.

I’ve been battling this by myself since around November 2015. SO age 20. It is a way for me to control my life, how I look and help me cope…despite how damaging it is. I have “self recovered” twice now which involved me eating around 3000 calories a day to get to a minimum “healthy” weight.

I remember October 2016 making myself eat a big breakfast, a high calorie lunch and dinner and in between meals having snacks. Seeing my body change with weight gain was hard, especially without a treatment team. This was so I could complete my final law exams.

I was fine for a bit with eating until June 2017. I was being neglected in an emotionally distant, one sided and toxic relationship and had legal training stress on top of it so I relapsed again within 2 months and ended up in the emergency department from dehydration.

I got a bit better since and made myself gain weight but yet here I am now…22 October 2018.

I am back to a low weight and just want to keep losing weight, despite feeling light headed, foggy, weak, sweaty (from low blood sugar) and awful.

I really don’t think I can get “better” on my own this time, without proper treatment. I also don’t think this disorder will ever be gone completely.

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